Highway 30
by cactusx33
Summary: A sequel to The Exchange, a previous work of mine. Now having lived in Lima, Ohio for several weeks, Simon is about to make a discovery about his family history. This leads to a journey across the Midwest and a meeting.
1. Chapter 1: A Shocking Discovery

**A sequel to The Exchange, featuring Simon and the boys having lived in Lima for a few weeks now. It is the final days of term and Simon is in for a big shock!**

**I was reading an article on TV tropes and they say that fanfiction disclaimers are actually counterproductive from a legal point of view, so I'll keep zipped up on that score!**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1**

"Will! Simon! Get back to work!"

Terri DelMonico's voice brought the two of them back into focus. They'd been hiding in the secluded part of the shop floor, making obscene jokes about the people who shopped at Sheets n' Things.

"Sorry, Terri," said Simon sheepishly as he headed back out into the main foyer. Will grabbed the pallet truck of mattresses he'd been carrying and kept rolling it along.

"I thought you Europeans were supposed to be good workers," Mr Shuester's ex wife said, waspishly.

"You're thinking of the Polish," Will retorted under his breath. He heaved the pallet truck all the way to the stock room, trying not to let on how heavy a pile of mattresses could be when stacked up. When the job was finished, he wiped the sweat from his brow and checked his watch. Three in the afternoon. It was time for a break.

He headed up the small stairs into the employee lounge upstairs and saw Jay on the couch, reading a Playboy magazine. His friend was gazing at it fascination, giving no thought to how depraved he looked.

"Expanding your cultural horizons, I see?" Will asked, dryly.

"Actually, I'm expanding my cock!"

"Yes, yes, I set you up there. Your break's over, by the way. It's gone three." He indicated to the magazine. "And put that away. Terri will go mental if she sees it."

Jay yawned, then checked his own watch as if in disbelief and fixed his work shirt. "Sure you don't want to borrow it? Have a cheeky little tug before you get back?"

"No thanks. I don't feel the compulsive need to spend my life erect."

"Cause we'll all find out you're not a grower _or_ a shower?"

"Brilliant. Now get back to work." Will sat in the employee lounge and did feel the urge to grab Jay's porn mag, but he resisted that urge. Anyone could walk in. He stretched out, wondering whether he could get away with taking a nap on his break. He decided against it.

Simon came up after a few minutes. He'd obviously been spoken to by Terri because his face was slightly red. Will thought it was unfair to blame them for hanging out; he'd barely seen his friend for the last few weeks. Simon and Neil were living with Santana and Brittany (respectively, of course) whereas Will and Jay had pooled their money to getting a small, run-down apartment downtown. They had faced some issues getting the place before they were eighteen, but with a quick fax from Will's mum and Jay's dad, they convinced the landlord they wouldn't face any legal problem in renting to them. Jay's dad had even written a brief PS of 'Glad to be shot of the little wanker, to be fair'. They'd considered trying to remove it when the fax arrived, but had given up.

Will would have preferred anyone else to share an apartment. Jay left the toilet, the shower and the kitchen (Will usually made breakfast) in an abysmal state, in addition to there being very little on his mind apart from sex. But it had to be done for now; Burt Hummel had been fine with Jay staying there for the time he did, but any more and he was understandably reluctant.

"You fancy going to the pictures next Saturday, Si?" Will asked.

"Sorry mate, me and Santana are hanging out most of the time, I-"

"Beepetybeepetybeep!"

"Not you as well!"

"Sorry, Jay got me doing it," Will replied, grinning. "Okay, how about tonight? We can decide on what to see when we get there."

"Sounds good. Oh, we have to make it a late one, though. My dad's ringing me tonight. This is, like, the third time he's done it. He likes calling me every week or so. I don't have the heart to tell him to fuck off."

"You're lucky. My mum just says to ring if I've been attacked or if someone stole all my money."

"That's because of all the action your mum will be getting while you're not there. Right now, the whole Chelsea team's probably round your house."

"Shut up!"

"She's probably why Drogba always looks so knackered!"

"I will kill you where you stand. But yeah, let's go to the flicks. Pick me up at about eight?"

"Yeah, that sounds like enough time."

* * *

Simon had been at home for roughly twenty minutes when his dad rang. It had proved a long, tiresome day at Sheets n' Things.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he had said tiredly to Santana as he got in, and they kissed briefly. He smiled and waved at her father as they sat down in the front room. Santana had been enjoying a lazy Saturday.

"How was your day?" she asked as they sat down together. She tried to pat down his quiff but the gel wouldn't budge. Simon was, in her own words, totally hot except for his terrible hair. She would, she hoped, convince him to go for something more stylish.

"Was alright. Mr Shue's ex wife is still a bitch. That's one thing I'm kind of dreading about the summer, to be honest. I'll be working for her full time."

"You still get vacation time, right? I am _so _hooking up with Brittany if you're away working all summer."

"I'll still have some time for you," Simon said amorously.

"Don't do that," said Santana. "It's creepy. I get to make sexy talk, you don't."

"Right. Sorry." Simon shrugged. They talked idly for the next few minutes before the inevitable call came. Santana picked the phone and smiled.

"Hey, Alan," she said. Santana didn't usually remember names; as a rule, people remembered hers, not the other way round. Before she dated Simon she'd written his name on her hand to remember it. But she'd remembered Simon's dad's name. After around a minute or so of conversation she passed the phone over to Simon.

"Alright, dad?" said Simon, friendly. "How's London."

"Rainy, cold and shite," said Alan Cooper. "How are you, Si?"

"I'm alright. Working hard. Spending time with my special lady." He saw Santana stick her tongue out, imitating disgust.

"We're missing you a lot down here," said Alan.

"No we're not!" came a voice from further away.

"Sorry, that was your brother. Of course we miss you. Your mum's out, otherwise she'd talk to you as well." His dad sighed. "I still can't believe it, you know, Si? Only a while ago you were abusing Neil's dad, bunking off school and generally being a right arse. Now look at you! You're working, you're living with a bird, and you're in America!"

"Shocks me too, dad," said Simon, indignantly. That was _one time _after all.

The phone went silent for a few moments, as if Alan was struggling with how to say something. As if he wasn't sure how to tell Simon something. "You know, it's a shame my brother George isn't alive. You could have gone down to see him."

"You had a brother?" Simon asked, suddenly alert. "How come you never mentioned anything?"

"Well, it's a bit of a weird one, you see," said Alan. "I never even realised until a few years ago. See, my old man did a bit of, shall we say, playing around before he met your nan. Back when he was a lad, he met this bird who was over from Texas. She was living in London. Cracking bird she was as well, Si, we're talking tits out to here…"

"Yeah, it's alright, you can spare me the gory details. So, what, she was kind of a bit on the side?"

"Not at all. They were actually _married. _This was before he met your nan, of course. The kid they had even got christened to his name. They only divorced when he said he didn't want to follow her to Texas. Wanted to stay in the UK, you see."

"So there's another Cooper, your half brother, in Texas? How come granddad never told you about him?"

"He did, a couple of years ago. I traced George Cooper and sent him a letter. We were even talking about meeting; he wanted to invite me over for a chilli cook-off, whatever that is. I was dead keen. Problem was-"

"He died," said Simon, his brain working overtime. On the sofa next to him, Santana watched and listened with interest.

"Exactly. His wife's still alive, but I don't think I'd go out there. It would be a bit weird with his widow. And he had a son, so I've technically got a nephew, but-"

"He had a _son?" _said Simon, alert. "So I've got a cousin? You could have told me!"

"What use was it?" I didn't think you'd ever _be _here. You've got an auntie as well, but they don't live together anymore. Mary, that's his wife's name, she lives in Texas. Her son Sheldon lives in California."

"My cousin's name is Sheldon?" Simon asked. He was still struggling to come to terms with the big news.

"Sheldon Cooper. He lives out in California. I'm not too sure where."

"Jesus, dad. You really should have told me all of this!" Simon was amazed. He'd never thought there was this much to his family history.

"I've got his address somewhere, but I can't find it at all. Lost it a few months back. Can't even check my old post for them because the bloody missus deletes them after a while! Says they take up space! Bloody cheek, right? I mean-"

"What about my cousin?" asked Simon, cutting him off. "Do you have any idea where he is in California?"

"Not a Dickey Bird. Sorry, mate. I know he works at a university there but that's about it."

"That's okay, it'd be pretty implausible for me to get to either Texas or California."

"Fair enough. Anyway, Si, I have to go. Give my love to your special lady."

"Say hi to mum for me. And Andrew, I guess. The little shit."

He was silent for a while after his dad hung up. Santana, who prided herself on being too above the problems of others, decided to at least try to comfort him, cuddling up on the sofa. When he was in speaking mode again, he told her about his father's part of the conversation and that he'd lost all record of his family in America.

"Maybe, got to be loads of them though. Sheldon Coopers, I mean."

"Maybe we should look out for a terrible hairdo," she said as she once again tried to smooth down his abysmal quiff. He gently brushed her hand away, grinning.


	2. Chapter 2: Making Connections

**Chapter 2**

An hour later, he met the boys at the Multiplex downtown. On any given occasion, 'the boys' could include Kurt, Finn or Mike Chang, simply being the Glee clubbers Simon and the others were friendly with. This night meant the boys as the core unit, being Simon, Will, Neil and Jay. As many new friendships and relationships they had made, they all preferred the basic four sometimes.

The film they were due to see was another volume in the seemingly endless Saw franchise. The movie itself was instantly forgettable, as all had been but the first and possibly the second. And in any case, it wasn't what was on the screen that so kept Neil, Will and Jay's imagination.

"A long lost cousin," said Will, as they were leaving for Simon's car. One of his dad's last parting gifts had been to sell the Yellow Peril (for scrap, of course) and send the cheque to Simon to buy a new car. The best car in his price range was a 1980 Chevy Citation. The paintwork had long since rusted to a brownish hue, and the front bumper was held in by what Simon strongly suspected to be superglue. Neil, on the other hand, was no longer driving; the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles had ruled him a road safety issue. The others secretly thought it was for the best.

"I know, right?" Simon replied. "I can't believe it either."

"Drop us back. Si?" asked Jay. " There's just one bus stop around here and I'm afraid Briefcase might try to bum me if I'm left with him!"

Will looked at him incredulously. "If I was so utterly desperate as to try to _bum _you, as you so eloquently put it, I'd do it _at home. _While you were _sleeping._"

"See? He's even thought about it, and everything!"

"Shut up, Jay. Yeah, I'll give you two wankers a lift back. You as well, Neil, you'd only spend the night walking around downtown wondering why you can't find Brittany's house."

They got into the car and there was a brief silence as Simon began to drive them home. Understandably, he had a lot on his mind. Neil and Jay hadn't been too bothered; Neil was too stupid and Jay too indifferent to grasp the situation.

"What are you going to do then?" Will asked after a few moments.

"Turn left at 48th and Humboldt and keep driving until I hit Cesar Chavez Boulevard. That should take me straight to yours."

"You know what I mean, you big prick."

"I don't know," said Simon, shrugging. "Try to find him on Facebook, or something. Or keep pestering my dad until he digs up his address."

"You could always go to Texas. Takes less time."

"Yeah, but who drives half way across the country to see their auntie? This bloke, he's probably just like me. There's probably a direct copy of me on the West Coast!"

"So, he'll be a massive knob cheese as well?" Neil piped up. Jay laughed.

"Fuck off. You know what I mean, anyway."

When they got home, Simon and Neil came in for a bit. Will was better at computers than Simon was, whereas Jay and Neil only used their internet connection to find new and more disturbing forms of porn. If there was anyone who could find Sheldon, Will could.

Will reeled off the first result on Facebook, the profile of a heavy set youth with a weak chin. Will scanned the parts of the profile he could see.

"Sheldon Cooper of San Diego. He works in Taco Bell," Will said, shaking his head. "There's nothing about college. In fact, I don't think he even finished school, by the look on his wall." He wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"I bet you twenty dollars that's him," said Jay. "Fits you to a T, Si."

"Shut up," said Simon, trying to jab him. Jay dodged. "Try the next one, Will."

Will nodded and scanned the profile of a short, pale man with a crew cut. He was topless, flexing what he no doubt thought were muscles. "He has his profile name as Mistah C. Oakland. Again, no university. Job wise, he has aspirations to be a rapper."

"Your cousin's a chav!"

"It can't be him. Try another, Will." The four of them spent the next half an hour looking at Sheldon Coopers in California, but no matches fitted even within reason. Jay and Neil had fun imagining if each of the entries _was _their mate's cousin, but Simon became more and more frustrated.

"There's around twenty more," said Will tiredly, roughly a further _three _quarters of an hour later. "And I can see even from their profile picture tabs that they're not who we're looking for. But think about it like this, Si. Your cousin works in a university. He's probably not going to be bothered about Facebook one way or another."

"You're probably right," said Simon, dejectedly. "Still, I can keep looking."

"Fucking hell," said Jay, "don't cry on us, mate."

"Shut up. The only way I'm going to cry is from guilt over beating the shit out of you!"

"Look at you. Watch a movie where people get tortured for two hours and you suddenly think you're hard!"

"Can you ever take a break from being that guy?" Simon asked. Jay grinned and shook his head. "I'm off. Santana will be-"

"Beebedybeebedybeebedy-"

"Alright! My _girlfriend, _you know, that thing neither of you have? My _girlfriend _wants me back home. As I'm sure Neil's _girlfriend _wants him back home."

"Neil's _girlfriend _probably doesn't realise he left," said Will, and both Simon and Jay burst out into laughter.

"What you saying, she's thick?" said Neil, only vaguely comprehending the insult.

"I'm saying that the one brain cell that keeps you moving and talking has finally found a mate." This caused Simon and Jay to laugh harder. Neil, at this point unaware on whether he and Brittany (known to the Glee club as Nittany, or Beil) were being complimented or insulted.

Neil and Simon were quiet on the way back. Usually, this was because the main thing they had to talk about were childish jokes and insults, and those dried up quickly. This time, however, Simon was too deep in thought to talk.

* * *

The next day, he and Santana sat on the banks of the Ottowa River just outside of town. It was now Sunday, and it was his one perfect day off from both school and work. He enjoyed classes and had fun in Glee, and understood the importance of the work for Sheets n' Things (not to the company itself; he knew Terri could get on perfectly without him. But he was getting a visa and enough money to pay Santana's dad housekeeping) but he enjoyed the one full day off he had.

They'd driven out early in the morning. He'd wanted to hike the way up the river, but Santana had vetoed that; he had a car, she said, and it would be a waste to walk when it was sitting there.

The riverside in Lima itself looked like a cleaner and nicer version of the Thames, but it still wasn't much as far as scenery went. In the more rural parts, however, it looked majestic. Trees and grass surrounded them, and they could hear a serene silence that even in Lima, a relatively quiet place, could not be detected.

"I can't believe this feeds all the way into Lake Erie," said Simon as they hunkered down on the cool, damp grass. "That must be, what, two hundred miles away? Is that right?"

"Don't know. Don't care," said Santana, but she smiled. She was glad Simon was having a good time. She'd suggested this part of town to cheer her boyfriend up about the prospect of having a cousin he may not find.

"What do you want to do once we hit summer?" asked Simon. "We could go on holiday…vacation, rather?"

"I had the idea of screwing with the head of some of the kids in Glee. Go round Rachel Berry's house and play a few tricks. Maybe rigging Artie's wheels. Fun stuff like that. Want to be my patsy?"

"Sounds fun," Simon replied. "Okay, but _apart _from that. I've got some extra money saved from work! And a car. We could go anywhere!"

"You have to sort out your hair, first," said Santana, chuckling. She fingered his quiff playfully. "If you die tomorrow, I'm shaving your head before putting you under. I don't even care if it's an open coffin, I just don't want you spending forever like that."

"That's charming."

"I keep it real. It's funny. Your buddies tear it out of you about every other possible thing, but none of them mention the hair. Even Jay."

"Because it kicks arse," said Simon. He lent over and felt something in his pocket. He fished around for it and took out a small gift-wrapped item. "I nearly forgot," he said softly, "I got you a present." He handed it to her and she opened it up. It was a CD.

"It's a mix tape," he said excitedly. "Or a mix disc, or whatever. Says everything I want to say to you perfectly!"

Santana took it and smiled. "You know, if you weren't such an idiot, you'd actually be sweet."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Simon said, rolling his eyes comically and grinning.

"How else would you take it?" Santana asked, as if confused.

* * *

At the same time, Nittany (or Beil) were having a conversation that is typically enjoyed by those who have been smoking heavy drugs. They were sitting on Brittany's bed, their eyes to the ceiling.

"I heard that if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, it doesn't make a sound," said Neil, dimly. "Maybe that means trees don't exist when we're not looking at them!"

"Have you tried not looking at a tree?" said Brittany, fascinated. "Maybe it'll disappear!"

"I tried not looking once. Maybe I wasn't not looking hard enough?"

"Maybe you were secretly not not looking?"

"Or not not not looking?" said Neil, the object of the conversation having eluded him once again, flimsy as it was to begin with.

Later in the afternoon, Brittany fell asleep. Neil watched porn on her laptop for around an hour and chatted to Jay on the phone. Will was working as he'd requested overtime, and as much as Jay made cracks about his friend's company, he didn't like being alone in the apartment. Jay had had Kurt over and he had idled away several hours teaching his friend to play Pro Evo (it was not as popular a game in America, he lamented) but he'd had to go home to rehearse for one of his numbers for Glee.

No one did much on that Sunday night; Will came back around six and he and Jay ordered pizza, followed by watching Die Hard. The choice had been Jay's and they had flipped for it. When Brittany woke up, her and Neil made out briefly, whereas Simon and Santana enjoyed a view of the sunset as they drove back from the Lima outskirts.


	3. Chapter 3: The Story of Sectionals

**Chapter 3**

Emma Pillsbury listened interestedly as Simon told her about his cousin. She liked the young English boy; his friend Jay was perverted beyond all points of redemption, Neil was pleasant but hopelessly stupid, and Will…Will appeared nice, but he was extremely (and not even justifiably) arrogant. Simon, though; Simon was polite, friendly and seemed to care about germs. That was trait number one in her book.

"You could wait for your father to find his details," she said, trying to be helpful.

"We've got a whole upstairs full of crap," said Simon. "He'll never find a scrap of paper in there. That's if he hasn't destroyed it by mistake. Put it through the wash or something."

"That would be pretty tragic," she agreed. "But, hey, I know as a guidance counsellor I shouldn't really tell you to trust fate, but maybe that's the key? You're family. Family tends to gravitate to each other."

She accidentally touched the side of the desk where she was sure other students had left their discarded gum, and flinched. Simon, observantly, passed her the hand sanitizer on the desk.

"Thanks," she said quietly. "Call your dad when you get home. He might know, might remember something that could prove useful. Think of it as like being a detective. If you don't have all the information, you'll never solve the case!"

"I guess you're right, Miss Pillsbury." Simon smiled.

"And in the meantime, you could see if he's published anything. If he works at a university he must have published some work, at least. That's pretty much the only difference between teachers at places like McKinley and college lecturers, you know." She smiled at her own joke. "See if you can access some academic papers from him. It should say what college he works at in California."

Simon thought about her words as he headed down to class. He and Jay had history together and they spent most of the time making jokes amongst each other. Will and Neil had biology, which mainly consisted of Will trying to covertly feed Neil the answers to keep him out of summer school.

The four mates finally met up in last class, which was Shop. Kurt joined them in this class as well. Simon wanted to check Google Scholar for any mentions of Sheldon Cooper's work. He headed immediately to the school library after class, but all academic paper results were encrypted.

He had other distractions. Mark Donovan had no doubt emailed Karofsky and Azimio his picture of Will on the toilet ("Hello, I'm Will and I'm doing a shit") and they had distributed copies around school. It was rare that they got such interesting dirt on a Glee club member, especially a new one, and they were determined to make sure it got out. The laughs had lasted three school days by now, most of them had by Jay, but many were starting to find the pictures disgusting. Simon had to help Will take them all down and Karofsky and Azimio, no doubt knowing the joke had hit its peak, did not put any further copies up.

Mr Shuester, as Simon had suspected, was just as helpful as Miss Pillsbury had been. Before the day finished, he followed Simon into the library again and the two of them went over the few academic results Simon had picked out.

"There's one from Sheldon Cooper here," he said, pointing to the screen. "The paper is about string theory. Sound connected?"

"I don't know. Dad didn't really say anything about his field. Is there any way to check?"

"Not really," said Mr Shue. "This guy works at Cal Tech. That's pretty much all I can see."

* * *

The last few weeks before the end of term went past in a blur. Simon maintained a familiar routine; school Mondays to Fridays, work in the evenings and on Saturday, then lazy days with Santana on Sundays. He forgot all about chasing his cousin in time, focusing on what he deemed more important things.

Things such as Sectionals.

Some things are very different in alternate universes. Based on the presence or absence of even one person, things can take an extremely different turn. New Directions' turn at Sectionals, however, was not one of these. Without Sue Sylvester, of course, the judging panel was down a member and, sadly, New Directions did not get a single vote. As the universal rule of parallel worlds work out, the Glee club should have gone down in a blaze of glory.

Fate started its bizarre machinations a week before the Sectionals final, and involved something as unremarkable as an out-of-order male bathroom. Jay had left math class and was desperate to, in his own words, _take a massive shit. _He almost howled with frustration at the out of order sign and quickly racked his brains to remember the location of the next toilet. It was by Principal Figgins' office. He raced there as soon as he could, acting on memory alone. Thankfully, the bathroom was in order. He went quickly and was relieved to do so, but when he came out, he noticed the Principal's Office was empty. In addition to this, no one was around.

He initially rejected the idea of sneaking into Figgins' office. It was the sort of thing that could get him expelled, or at least suspended. But Jay was (and very much is) Jay, and the raging id that had turned his superego into its bitch so many years ago affected him to the effect of controlling his every actions. Above all else, he was guided by two things. One was sex, and the other was his own, rather twisted sense of fun.

He was delighted to find that Figgins had left the door open. He snuck inside and pulled the blinds down; it would stop him from being seen, and Figgins would absentmindedly assume he had done it without thinking. He tried to root around in the principal's desk, but many of the doors were locked. What he did find, however, was a pornographic magazine. It had been laid in the top left draw and seemed to be primarily focused on sweet asses that did not quit. A grin rose to Jay's lips. One of the teachers had confiscated this magazine from one of the Seniors earlier that day; Jay had seen it happen. He briefly toyed with stealing the magazine, but that would be noticed. It was too risky.

A shadow appeared at the blinds and Jay panicked. He searched the office for hiding places and the best he could do was an empty cabinet at the side of Figgins' desk. He was doubly lucky for pulling down the blinds; the few seconds Figgins spent turned around and pulling them back up gave him time to make sure there were no signs of movement in the office. The cabinet door was, however, cranked open slightly, but Figgins would have to look especially hard to see him behind it.

Figgins sat down at the desk and checked through a few papers. Would he stay for hours? Jay was horrified by the thought. If Figgins caught him, he'd assume the worst. Well, it wasn't a case of assumption.

Figgins reached into the top drawer and pulled out the porn magazine, regarding it interestedly. He did not peruse it like a typical porn addict, but instead studied it as if it was a New York Times.

Jay took out his phone quietly and texted a message to Neil.

**Hey m8…mk a divrshun 4 me fgins offis. Thx**

After arranging a diversion with Neil so he could escape the office quickly, a curious thought struck Jay. His phone didn't have a flash or a particularly loud clicking sound when he took a photo, something that had come in handy before for voyeuristic intentions (Jesus, he wished he hadn't spent so much time learning the lines to Rocky Horror) but could now be used for higher means.

Extending his hand only slightly from the ajar cabinet door, he snapped a picture of Principal Figgins reading the dirty magazine. The shot itself was perfect; there was the senior educator, his eyes wide in surprise and possible arousal over the magazine. On the page itself, a porn star had her naked arse pressed right against the page. If the circumstances had been any different, the photo could have won awards for its hard hitting nature.

Neil was a while away when he received Jay's text. He headed to the area outside of Figgins' office, straining what was left of his mind for ideas about how to create a diversion.

He was in luck. Karofsky was in the hall by himself, searching through his locker. Neil came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. The hockey player spun round.

"Oi, Dave," said Neil, grinning. "Is it true you once sucked off a whole rugby team?"

He began to run before Karofsky had even processed the insult. When he identified a jibe at his much-closeted homosexuality he began to chase him. There were angry shouts as he bowled through a group of students to reach Neil.

Back in his office, Principal Figgins heard the noise outside and immediately leapt out of his seat. He left his office to investigate the cause of the disturbance. Jay, in awe of his friend's ability as he rarely was, took his opportunity to slip out as soon as he could.

When he and Will got home, he showed him the picture excitedly. Will viewed it with a mix of mild disgust and tabloid-level awe. A smile formed on his face.

"I know it won't be anything massive," Jay was saying. "I mean, everybody wanks over porn, right? But I reckon we can shit 'im up a bit, maybe get people laughing at him."

"You're not seeing the importance of this, Jay," Will said, still staring at the photo, his mind working at a mile a minute. "Everybody wanks, but this guy's a church-goer! A local pillar of respectability! And you're forgetting, Jay. This is _Ohio. _Jerry Falwell is like a household name."

"The fuck's Jerry Falwell?"

"Doesn't matter. The point is, this could be very embarrassing to Figgins. Instead of blowing this up just for laughs, you could _use it against him._"

"Fuck," said Jay. "He could have to tell me where the peep-holes are to the girls' showers. Or take stuff from the Lost & Found. Anything!"

"Jesus, Jay, have a little perspective! Look, I know you. Sometime before you finish school, you are going to cock up things _royally. _Shit, if you're telling me the truth about how you got this photo, and I don't see any other way, then you've come within an inch of cocking it up anyway. This might just be a get-out-of-jail-free card for you if you keep hold of it!"

"You know what? You're right! This is my ace in the hole!"

* * *

A week later, Jay knew exactly what to do with his ace in the hole. He'd been around the rest of New Directions when they found out they didn't even place, and now back at school, faces looked pretty solemn. They were in the practice room. While Neil, Simon and Will knew they would be severely mocked if they even shed a single tear, they could all taste the sadness.

"I always knew that Josh Groban guy was a dick," said Simon, his voice cracking with emotion. He looked down. He comforted Santana next to him, who was openly crying.

"I hope we'll all remember being together, even if we won't see each other anymore," said Rachel sadly, nearby. Will, who had hosted her when she'd been in the UK so long ago and had gotten to know her well, put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

"Fucking hell," said Jay, feeling a pang of emotion. "I'll be back in a sec."

"Where are you going?" Neil asked. Jay didn't respond. He went straight to the principal's office.

Twenty minutes later, Jay had returned and the club had sung To Sir, With Love as their farewell song. Principal Figgins came out, a nervous expression on his face. He addressed the club together, as they sat in silence. Mr Shue, who was expecting New Directions' final curtain call, sat down.

"Glee club is set to renew in the new school year," he said, with a note of happiness in his voice. "You're going to get one more year."

A deafening chorus of cheers and emotion swept over the practice room. Almost all the students (including, as he'd always deny later, Simon) cried openly. In fact, so many emotions were shared that only a handful of people saw Figgins stare at Jay and give a nod. The nod spoke in a language that only the two of them could understand, and it said, _you win. _Will, who saw the exchange after hugging Quinn and Rachel, stared at Jay. Jay briefly mimed a camera, and Will suddenly understood. Mr Shue saw their exchange.

"Jay?" he said, his voice completely choked with emotion when Figgins had left the room. "You had something to do with this?"

All eyes in the room turned to him, but Jay feigned ignorance. "No, sir!" he protested.

"Then why did Principal Figgins nod at you?"

"Dunno. Probably wants my cock, or something. I always knew that one was hot for the boys."

Mr Shue grimaced, but he didn't probe further. Both he and the rest of the club always knew from that day that Jay had saved them, but he'd never say why. He became much more liked. The only one who knew how he'd saved the club was Will, and the respect he had for his friend doubled on that day.


	4. Chapter 4: The Call

**Chapter 4**

So, Sectionals and the stories around them passed, and the school year finished. The boys were, in many ways, not looking forward to a long summer working full time, but Simon in particular was looking forward to spending some time with Santana.

It was a sweltering Tuesday afternoon, a week into the summer vacation, when Will called Simon, his voice active with excitement. The two of them had the day off, while Jay and Neil were on the shop floor. Simon and Santana had been lounging around the house watching old movies.

"Hello?" said Simon, wiping sweat from his brow. Santana paused Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

"You at home at the moment, Si?" Will asked as an introduction.

"Yeah, just spending time with my lady. What's up, Wayne Pooney?"

"Funny. Look, Si, I think you should get to mine. Quick as possible, mate."

Within ten minutes, Simon and Santana were fully dressed and in the car. Something in Will's voice had spelled urgency. Simon drove fast, knowing that Will wouldn't show the slightest bit of excitement if he hadn't found something massive.

He invited them into the flat. It was only the second time Santana had ever been there. Will immediately directed them to his computer.

"You found Jay's online porn stash?" Simon guessed, excitedly. "I _know _he's into some rough stuff. It's sheep, isn't it! I knew it! Jay's into sheep!"

"Shush. I've found something far better. I was just browsing the internet. Just got bored because Jay's at work."

"Aww, do you love him? Love your fwiend? You poof!"

"Yeah, you poof!" said Santana, and Simon beamed with joy.

"Shut up. Helping you here." He opened Facebook and located a page of a smiling women in her mid fifties. She was holding a bible and was evidently in some sort of church.

"Her name's Mary Cooper," said Will. "At first, I was just following up loose sends based on what you told me, but everything ties in! Take a look!"

Shortly below her profile picture was the traditional 'In a Relationship with…' tab, complete with a small quote inside it.

"My darling husband George," Wil read out, "May he rest in peace."

"That's pretty sweet," said Simon, nodding. "Did you find anything about her son?"

"Ask and you will find, Si," said Will, scrawling down. He was able to check Mary Cooper's wall, and he scrolled down over a variety of posts talking about someone called Rick Perry and sharing church gossip to a post for around a month ago. Will quickly highlighted it with the cursor and began to read.

**Been reading the news about those folks in Cern, in Europe, creatin' little black holes for science. Hope my Shelly and his little friends down in Cal Tech aren't working on anything like that! **

"And it's got seventy five likes," said Will disdainfully. "I despair for the bible belt, honestly I do."

"Never mind that," said Simon excitedly, "Cal Tech! You've found him! You fucking beauty, you've found him!"

He put his hands on Will's shoulders and shook him violently in joy. The three celebrated a few moments of mutual ecstasy, Will's happiness only marred by the fact that he had found his results an hour ago and the excitement had worn off. Simon kissed Santana, and the two of them reminded him of that famous Eisenstaedt photo about VJ Day. The last time he'd seen Simon this happy about anything was when he got to tear his return airline ticket to London up (Will had persuaded him to try and sell it, but for Simon it was symbolic). Before he could continue thinking, he found himself being forcefully hugged by both Simon and Santana-she evidently cared greatly about her boyfriend's happiness; usually, Santana was deadpan and sardonic about everything, but she was positively overjoyed.

"Alright, you bumders, get off me," he said, grinning. "Besides, there's more."

"How could there be more? Surely we just call up Cal Tech and ask for Dr Cooper's details?"

"It's funny, you know," said Will, rolling his eyes, "here, they have their very own version of the Data Protection Act. And they don't break it!"

"You _called _them?"

"Wanted the surprise to be me handing you his address and phone number, but they shot me down. Explained he was your cousin, and the sarky bitch on reception said it didn't matter if he was your long lost twin!"

"So, we're sunk again?" asked Simon, suddenly panicked. "Why would you do that? I-"

"We're not sunk," said Will. "Because I thought of that too." He typed in another search. "Before, we were searching names only to give us more to search. But then I started searching groups as well! And when you put Sheldon Cooper and Cal Tech together…you get this. He gestured Simon to the computer.

**Calling 'Doctor' Sheldon Cooper a dumbass is an insult to dumbasses everywhere**

"Who the fuck wrote that?" Simon demanded, indignantly.

"That's the group title," said Will. "There are three group admins. You've got Leslie Winkle, Barry Kripke and Will Wheaton. But Will Wheaton was in Star Trek so it's probably some sort of weird fake-profile. Probably by a sci-fi fan. Whoever he is, he _really _seems to hate this Sheldon. Although I think Leslie Winkle made the group. She uses the word 'dumbass' the most."

"So, just because a few people hate him, I'm not meant to try to find him?"

"You're not getting me, Si. There's a contact number for the group."

Simon's heart lurched. "Shit! Really?" He followed Will's finger to a cell phone number for Leslie Winkle. He dialled the number, his fingers shaking as he did so.

"Hello?" said the female voice on the other end. Simon considered silence for a few seconds, but decided to speak up.

"Hi," he said, trying not to sound nervous. "I'm really sorry to bother you…"

"Are you a telemarketer? 'Cause, you should probably know, I've got liquid nitrogen slowly eating its way through a container."

"I'm not a telemarketer," said Simon quickly. "I wanted to talk to you about the group you created. On Facebook."

"Oh," said Leslie, and Simon sensed a suspicious air. "That you making a crank call with a phony British accent, Sheldon?"

"No," stuttered Simon. "God, no. I was actually hoping you had his number."

Leslie was silent for a few moments. "He criticise your research? Did you find a sarcastic part-by-part criticism of your entire thesis in your inbox, two days after you posted the thing?"

"Yes!" Simon lied. He could see why this woman hated his cousin. "Yeah, the bastard."

"You called all the way to America to give your detractor a piece of your mind? I'm impressed." Leslie chuckled slightly. "You're not the only one. Where are you based?"

"Royal Holloway," said Simon, thinking quickly. "London." It was the only thing he could think of. Suzie, the girl who had taken her 'A' Levels four years early, had always talked about going there. Next to him, Will snorted. Simon might have been more intelligent than Jay and Neil, but the only way he was going to get anywhere near Royal Holloway was if he was sweeping the floors.

"Yeah, I think it'd be worth it to have Sheldon get a taste of his own medicine," Leslie said. "I'd ask for you to put me on conference but I'll ask Leonard or Howard about it later." She reached around for Sheldon's house number. "You got a pen?"

* * *

It had been twenty minutes and Simon still hadn't plucked up to call Sheldon. He'd sat in silence for as long as Will had remembered. An atmosphere had fallen over the room.

"Baby, you know you don't have to do this," Santana said slowly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"But if you don't, stop pacing around," said Will. "You're pissing me off."

"I'm going to call him," said Simon, resolutely. "I'm going to call him."

"Do it, already!" Will slammed his fist on the PC desk, scowling. Simon picked up the number again, and dialled it into his phone. He was visibly sweating as he heard the ring.

"Hello?" said a voice on the other end of the phone. It was a male voice, slightly nasal. Simon tried to suppress any nervous stuttering when he spoke.

"Hi," he said quietly. "Is that Sheldon Cooper? Doctor Sheldon Cooper?"

"No," said the voice. Simon suddenly felt a pang of disappointment; had his cousin moved?

"This is his roommate, Leonard," said the voice, and Simon's stomach lurched. He was through to the right place!

"Hi," he said again. "This is Simon…Cooper from Lima. Ohio."

"Ohio?" said Leonard, and Simon thought he quivered for a moment. "Hey, if you're from the university, Sheldon didn't mean it when he called your research farcical, and he certainly didn't mean it when he called you a hack, I-"

"I'm not from the university," Simon replied. "I'm actually Sheldon's cousin."

There was a moment's silence. "You don't sound like you're from Texas."

"I'm from London, Simon replied, his heart in his throat. "I don' think Sheldon knows about me. I know, it sounds fucking mental, but-"

"Wow," said Leonard. "Just…wow. His mother told me all about this."

Simon raised his eyes. "He knows about me?"

"Actually, no." Leonard said, sounding as flustered and excited as Simon. "His mom decided it would be best to not to tell him. You see, he'd actually go…crazier and try to run tests on you. To see if his brilliance is some sort of freak genetic abnormality that only affects his generation, I guess."

"Sounds like he's pretty out there!"

"He has his moments," agreed Leonard. "But, hey! You said you were in Ohio, right?"

"Yeah. Moved out here a couple of months ago."

"I can't believe how lucky this is, but a few of us are flying to Iowa next week. Iowa City. It's a university tour and we'll be there for about a week. I wish we could take a round trip to Lima but time's tight. If you've got some time, why don't you take a drive up? The college is giving us a suite and a few of you would definitely be welcome to crash if you wanted to take a road trip! I…actually, I have no idea if Sheldon will be happy to see you. But, uh, why don't you give it a go?"

* * *

Leonard Hofstadter and Simon took down each other's cell phone numbers. Leonard couldn't quite believe that he was going to meet a long lost relative of Sheldon. He was going to leave the news a surprise to Sheldon; in the time he had known him, his friend had never reacted well to surprises, be they good or bad, but this was something else. Simon Cooper was only his cousin, but they way they were connecting now, it was almost as if they were long lost half brother. That was, judging by the sound of his voice, how Simon Cooper was taking it.

Mary Cooper had told him about the missing family connection when she had come over to mediate a feud between Sheldon and Penny. He and Leonard had a strange connection in regards to mothers; Dr Beverly Hofstadter represented the logical, ordered and scientific childhood Sheldon had always craved, whereas Mary Cooper's simplistic yet close household was the exact atmosphere in which Leonard wished he had been raised. As a result, Leonard got on very well with Mary, and Sheldon was close to Beverly.

He had been idly chatting with Mary in their apartment when she had mentioned finding the correspondence George and Alan Cooper had. Her husband had stored them in a box which had found its way into the garage. She'd cleared away most of her husband's things when he died, but it was months afterwards when she found the box. She'd toyed with the idea of emailing this Alan Cooper, Rudge Park, London but had decided against it. At best, the two of them would hit it off and make polite conversation, at worst Alan would remind her of his half brother and it would only depress her, being forced to remember George and her grief.

Sheldon, perhaps luckily, had been at the comic book store with Raj and Howard when the young English man had rung. Leonard had been going over some notes for the trip to Iowa they had next week. They were going for a series of lectures based on a theorem they had established linking research around particle physics to wormholes. Sheldon, regrettably for the others, had first come up with the hypothesis and he had brought in Leonard and Raj, whose astrophysics research was all about wormholes. Howard had been brought in as he helped design the equipment that measured their results and not, as Sheldon suggested, because 'lesser minds tend get offended when you don't make a show of including them'. Howard had nearly quit over that remark. They were going to display the base points of the theorem to a number of different student groups in the Iowa City campus and were being flown out by the U of I as treasured guests. Penny was coming as well, but she was taking advantage of the free flights. Iowa City was only a four hour drive away from Omaha, so Penny's dad was going to drive her home and she was going to spend some time with the family in Nebraska.

"Have you told Sheldon?" was the first question Penny asked when Leonard told her the story. Raj, Howard and Sheldon would not be back for a while and he had to tell someone.

"I'm going to leave it as a surprise," Leonard said, grinning. "I know, Sheldon hates surprises, but, hey! I think he'll like this one."

"Hope he does," Penny replied, pouring both of them a glass of wine. "I know you don't want him freaking out as you're about to give a speech. Could you imagine?"

"Oh, I could," said Leonard. "It'll be okay. He's due to meet us pretty early on. Sheldon won't be able to do any…damage if he doesn't like it."

* * *

Simon, Will and Santana checked Google Maps for the best way to Iowa City from Lima. The journey would take roughly twenty four hours by car. Of course, that was continuously, and didn't include diversions like sleep, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

"And sightseeing," Santana said. "That route takes us through the south side of Chicago!"

"Us?" Will retorted, grinning sardonically. "So, I guess this little road trip is invites only?"

"Well, you don't mind, do you mate? It's only, I'm obviously bringing Santana…"

"He thinks I'll put out."

"I think she'll put out. And she won't go anywhere without her BFF, so that means Neil's coming. And, it's a small car, you know, mate?"

"Yeah, I know." Will shrugged. "Have fun, you crazy kids. I could call shotgun, but I won't."


	5. Chapter 5: The Trip

**Chapter 5**

Terri had been typically down on Simon about booking vacation time. He had needed two weeks off for a long round trip, and he had only booked it off only a week in advance. He, Santana, Neil and Brittany were going to drive to Fort Wayne, Indiana, then north to Chicago. They would then head east, through Davenport, to Iowa City. They would spend the most amount of travelling time in Chicago, as no one in the car had seen it before and it was the biggest city in the Midwest. Then they would spend a few days in Iowa City so Simon could get to know Sheldon and the others could take in the sights.

"You know, I really don't know why I hired you," Terri moaned. She deliberated on giving him the vacation time briefly but there was only one answer she could give. Simon knew Will Shuester well and he may not be her husband anymore, but she did not want to fight with him by refusing Simon. She agreed; Will, as much as he constantly cheeked her, was an above-par employee, and even Jay knew to work hard when he stopped making obscene jokes.

"I can't believe you lucky fuckers get to go on a massive road trip," Jay said to the others while they were stocking shelves. An elderly woman nearby heard him, grimaced in disgust and walked out of the store.

"Look, it's like I told Will. One car, four spaces, relationship points, chance of a shag, BFF, Neil. There's so much crammed into that sentence! That's how crammed our car will be!"

"That's not a sentence, that's a Rain Man monologue" said Will.

"Jesus, mate, could have told me it was all about the clunge!" said Jay, shrugging. "Me and SpongeBob Shit his Pants here will have to find our own fun. Chat up some cheeky bitches."

"I can hardly wait," said Will, rolling his eyes. "I'll get the apology cards ready. I don't want myself included in the fifty-mile restraining order Quinn, Rachel, Tina and Mercedes give you by the end of this week."

This caused the others to laugh. Jay pretended to throw a glass vase at him from the shelf. Will flinched, causing the others to laugh riotously.

"You want to be careful, Jay, Terri will shitcan your arse if you break something."

"_Shitcan?_" mimicked Jay. "Look at this! Captain British goes to America for a couple of months and goes local!"

"Howdy, partner!" said Simon, grinning and making a thumbs-up gesture.

"Howdy, partner!" repeated Neil. Will grimaced.

"Careful about calling him partner, you might get shitcanned!" mocked Jay.

"Fuck off!" retorted Will. "I must have picked that word up one time Kurt came here, all anxious about seeing his bit on the side!" he indicated to Jay, who shrugged. "Anyway, we're supposed to be angry at Simon, remember? For choosing hoes over bros, or whatever delightfully misogynistic term you seem to favour."

"Suppose you're right," said Jay. "Partner." Will went to jab him but Jay stepped out of the way.

* * *

"What time is Wayne expecting us, Si?" Neil asked as the two of them began to load the car. They were outside Brittany's, loading up the remains of their supplies. It was early on Friday morning; they'd wanted to be out before seven in the morning to get as much out of the journey as possible. Now it was just after eight, and they were getting off to a slow start. Brittany and Santana were sitting near the house, talking.

"Who's Wayne?" Simon asked, his eyes narrowed. He heaved Santana's makeup bag into the Citation's boot.

"Wayne Fort. I don't know. You keep going on about him." Neil's eyes flashed with a pure stupidity.

"Wayne Fort…" Simon thought to himself for a moment. "Oh, you penarse, Neil, that's _Fort Wayne!"_

"Sounds like a fucking stupid name to me," said Neil, shrugging. He put some of the wine they'd bought below the passenger seats. Simon wasn't sure how he'd managed to make Neil pay his share of the trip for petrol and other things, but it made it a lot easier and meant he could afford luxuries like wine.

"Fort Wayne _Indiana,_" he replied through gritted teeth. "It's not a person, it's a _place. _It's our first stop!"

Neil seemed to digest this, but his expression remained blank. "Stupid name for a fort, though."

Simon slammed the door angrily. "It's like talking to an ape. Come on, girls! Our world of adventure begins today!"

Santana made a show of rolling her eyes, but she looked excited. She went hand in hand with Brittany as the two walked down to the car. Santana got in the front with Simon; Neil had tried in vain to call shotgun but Simon, rarely, had vetoed it. He sat in the back with Brittany. Simon was inwardly glad; at least Santana could hold a conversation. With Neil, anyone's shared interests would die out fast.

"Woo!" said Brittany as they pulled away from the house and prepared to leave Lima. It was going to be a consistent drive for a good few miles as they ploughed west on US-30. Simon felt a brief emotional pang; he was going to take the great American road trip less than a year since he'd started living in the country, the type real Americans talked about for years. Of course, he didn't have a Winnebago and a portable barbeque, but he felt he was living the American dream all the same. The longest road trip he'd ever taken was to Thorpe Park, and that had turned out to be a load of shit. This would be a real adventure, one he was sure he would never forget.

Conversation was sparse as the downtown areas and rows of houses soon melted away into patches of trees, long grass and cornfields. The sun was warm and there was very little humidity, making for a perfect morning. Neil and Brittany had started a simplistic game of _I Spy _in the back (their most complex hits included sky, corn and car) but in the back, Simon and Santana chatted aimlessly. That was one thing Santana liked about Simon; people she'd been out with, like Puck or Finn (short term) usually had very little in the way of conversation.

"You should have seen back at the National Championships a while back," she was saying. "Brittany was just there, celebrating on the stage, and I pulled her pants down!" The two of them burst out laughing. Simon looked behind and Brittany and Neil were asleep. "The whole auditorium just burst out laughing. I mean, it was great!"

"Brilliant!" Simon replied. "How did she react?"

"Took her a couple of seconds to realise what was going on." The two of them laughed. "The whole school couldn't stop talking about it for days!"

"There was this time once when we bunked off school," Simon said. "We got really drunk and Neil's dad caught us drinking his spirits. The rest of us were all being quiet, but Will had had a couple of drinks, and...fucking hell. I've never seen someone so shocked."

"Wish I was closer to the club as you are to those three," said Santana. "Truth is, my only BFF has been sweetie in the back. I'm not so friendly with Quinn anymore."

"Aren't you friends with my friends?"

"Will, yeah," she said, nodding. "Neil too, I guess, but he's more brainless than Brittany. Jay's just past the pervert event horizon."

They stopped in Delphos, Ohio for a light lunch, settling on a Quiznos. The day had turned chilly, but it didn't spoil the sunshine. Santana bought a few pairs of sunglasses at the 7-11 as they prepared for the next few hours.

After a longer drive, they would be crossing state lines.

**Hey guys, these will be the last updates for a little bit of time. I like the way it's left. This is part I of the story, part II will follow!**


	6. Chapter 6: On the Border

**This is the first segment of the second part of the story. Please read!**

**Chapter 6**

**

* * *

**

**But if there's only one thing I can say about the fantastically hilarious My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it's the gigantic Aesop's Fables that seem to be dropped down on us every twenty minutes. Instead of trying to make us all feel guilty for our preconceived notions of the so-called proud travelling community, why not just make it a laugh-your-ass-off fest at some delightfully scantily clad weirdoes that live in caravans? I know we in America laugh at ours-trailer trash in the States is a punch line, not a National Geographic special.**

**And that's how Sue sees it.**

Mr Gilbert put down the Sun and nodded approvingly at Sue Sylvester. As he mumbled out the last words, he didn't notice her cupping her hand into a 'C' shape. The two of them were in his office at Rudge Park. School had been out for the summer also, but some of the teachers were there for the obligatory end of term record filing. Naturally, the two of them had ducked out of all duties.

"You've done it again," he said, approvingly in contrast to his usual nature. "I never thought I'd say this to anyone, teacher or student, but I'm actually glad to have you at this school."

"Much obliged, Phil," Sue grabbed the headline; another for the scrapbook. Her column was a weekly one and she was going to fill the entire book. "I guess there's only one thing I miss from Ohio."

"I can't think what," said Gilbert, rolling his eyes.

"Well, what gets me through the day usually is the thought of someone I can turn to…and harass to the point of wanting to quit. I had that one foil, that one fly in my ointment. And I called him 'oh he of the lesbian hair."

"Shuester?"

"The very same peppy transgendered man-child. With the world as my oyster and no one to stop me, everything seems different. False, even."

"Believe it or not, I actually know what you mean," said Gilbert, looking out over the empty rooms. "I mean, look at the school. Most of these students are only doing 'A' Levels so they don't have to start full-time work. Out of the small minority that do want to go to university, the highest aspiration there is to be an office manager or an estate agent. Can you believe that? That's the highest aspiration."

"I think I know where you're going with this," said Sue, "but go on."

"McKenzie. Will McKenzie. The boy wants to be a top-flight journalist, or a diplomat, or something like that. And do you know what? I miss the little maggot. I missed bringing him down that little bit. That one iota. Just wiping that self-important grin from his face was one of my greatest joys."

"We both need a Will," said Sue, complatively. "And both of our favourites are well away from us, safe in Ohio..."

"Then we need a suitable replacement," he replied, finishing her sentence. "A human stress-ball, as it were."

"There's a teacher here I strongly suspect of a sexual attraction to his students," Sue said, pondering.

"Mr Kennedy is a weak human being," said Gilbert quickly, hoping Sue wouldn't focus too much on how he'd known exactly who she was talking about. "Tormenting him would be like kicking a puppy."

"Something I can thoroughly recommend. But I take your point. The thing is, after only two months here, I can't think of anyone not stuffed up with enough apathy to sink most large battleships."

"We can change that," said Gilbert. "What if, next year, the Sixth Form gets to elect a student rep? Elections. Flyers. We can smoke out any high-hopers in the ranks."

"Kinda reminds me of an old movie I saw once, when a teacher in Omaha, Nebraska tries to destroy his student's spirit by sabotaging her Student Body President campaign. I remember rooting for Matthew Broderick's character all the way through."

"It's going to be an interesting year," said Gilbert. They both began to laugh.

* * *

They had been travelling down Highway 30 for hours, and Santana was tired. Fort Wayne and the lights of regular civilisation were on the horizon, but the darkness was falling over them by the minute. Soon it would be pitch black and the only light on the roads would be the occasional set of headlights from a passing car.

The complete remoteness of the highway was slowly being replaced by a scattering of buildings along the highway. Simon had first noticed a trucker's diner a few miles back, and the farm houses were now large brick buildings instead of small wooden shacks, like they had been further back.

"I think the motels start ahead," said Santana, rubbing her eyes. "We should try to find one before it gets late."

"The maps say we should be there by now," said Simon stubbornly.

"Maybe in a normal car. This is a piece of crap."

"You should have seen his old car," Neil chipped in. "Not only was it shit, it was yellow. That's like…shit and piss together or something!"

"And on that charming image," Simon retorted. "How about you, Brittany? You tired, or you think you could go on?"

"Daytime Brittany isn't here anymore," said Brittany, dully "This is sleepwalking Brittany."

"She's not really sleepwalking," said Neil. "She just feels like it."

"Yeah, I got that, Neil," Simon replied, rolling his eyes. "Alright, I guess we could hold off until tomorrow."

He drove on, the others gradually drifting into a tired silence. The volume of cars in the other direction declined; no right thinking person would be driving _away _from the city at this time. At least, that was how it seemed to Simon; he was as tired as the others, of course, and would have liked nothing better than a warm bed and perhaps a shower. But a plan is only as good as its first stage, and he almost felt as if their journey was cursed by not reaching Fort Wayne on the first day.

The first motel they drove past was decent for how far it was from town. Instead of rotting wood or plasterboard, the buildings were made of a non-papered brick. But it didn't make the place look bare; they gave it a look that was almost fine architecture.

"No vacancy," Simon read aloud, unhappily. He shrugged and went on. They continued searching, driving past several decent looking places but which were fully booked.

They finally reached a motel with vacancies around half an hour later. They were now nearing the outskirts of town, but even Simon could not deny their journey was over.

The motel itself looked as if it had not been properly serviced from the sixties, which no doubt constituted its heyday. The painted wood of the motel's exterior had long since faded and chipped, giving it an unpleasant dark hue. Each of the motel rows looked like elongated barns with doors that could have been pried from any partially-dilapidated Rudge Park council house.

"The Sunrise Motel," Santana read on the twenty foot sign. "Says it's vacant."

"Might as well call it the Bates motel," said Simon in disgust.

"Is that the owner's name?" Brittany asked. Simon rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"It'll have to do," said Santana, gesturing to the front desk. "I bet it's nicer in the room."

"Not much of a statement," Simon retorted. But he went to book in. One advantage of the Sunrise was that it would be cheap. He booked two adjacent rooms, severely doubting Neil and Brittany's capacity for finding their room in the morning if it was on the other side of the potholed parking section.

The room turned out to be nicer than they expected, but only just. The bed could be slept in and the basic facilities were in order. The room service had even left a pot of instant coffee. It was miles from town but also miles from the emptiness of the open road. The place had a charm to it that was very American, and if Simon was of a more scholarly mind, he would have mused that this was probably hallowed ground in the faith that was Americana.

They had bought some food in a truck stop a few miles back and ate the remains of dinner in the motel room-everyone was too tired to go out.

"The Gaymobile put in some good miles today," mused Santana as they lay on the bed. The two of them were wearing the bare minimum. "You should be proud."

"The Gaymobile thanks you," Simon replied, and Santana giggled. She rolled over onto him, him, and their eyes met as she let his weight support her frame. The room was cool despite the windows being closed, and Simon pulled the covers up. Those bare essentials were removed and they felt the full warmth of each others' bodies as Simon pulled Santana close. They kissed in the dim light of the bedside lamps.

"Mmmh," purred Santana softly. Simon, taking the encouragement, began to use his hands...

And sweet, sweet poetry was made, said the narrator who found a smutty scene too awkward to write in this context. After both lovers had tired themselves out, they lay back in the bed, a calm silence washing over them.

* * *

"She'd definitely get it," said Jay, snapping Will out of his standing slumber. The two of them had been up early; even earlier, in fact, than Simon and the others, who had set their alarms for much earlier that morning than yesterday. Jay always adapted well to early mornings, but Will was exhausted.

"Charming," he responded, rolling his eyes. But he followed his friend's gaze-to where their immediate superior was bending over to unpack stock.

"Terri?" he asked by way of clarification. Jay nodded and made an obscene gesture. Will hoped none of the customers saw it.

"She's in her thirties."

"So? That means she's a milf!"

"She hasn't had any kids," Will reminded him. "Not really, anyway. Don't you remember Quinn telling us about her pretending to be pregnant?"

"Quinn was talking and you focused any higher than her shoulders? Fucking hell, you're more of a poof than I thought!"

"Brilliant." Will rolled his eyes.

"But seriously," said Jay, staring at Terri again, "me and her are gonna be making the beast with the two orgasms!"

"That makes no sense. Besides, she's a passive aggressive, overly-medicated bipolar depressive with a volatile, unhealthy fixation on her ex husband"

"In English, for fuck's sake!"

"In English? The only way you're getting any of that is if you put on a curly wig and start teaching Spanish."

"Point taken. God, you're depressing." He took his eyes from Terri's buttocks. "Anyway. We've got a day off tomorrow. We should get pissed!"

"It has been one of those weeks," Will agreed. The advantage Jay had was that many in Ohio were unsure of an Australian accent, so Jay did not have to worry about being thrown out of pubs when his accent slipped. He'd been the first to get his fake ID (for all the good it had done him in England) but the others had caught up with the ones Puck printed.

"Maybe we should get Kurt and Mercedes as well?"

"Yeah, why not?"

* * *

"I hope we do better with Sectionals next year," said Mercedes solemnly. The four of them sat in BreadstiX, waiting to order.

"Leave it out," Jay replied, shaking his head. "We should have come in first. Especially with me there."

"Oh yes, because you're a regular Bryan Adams," Will replied sarcastically, causing Kurt to snort with laughter. "I wish that waitress would notice us. The service in this place is abysmal."

"We'd be on our second round in that tavern instead, if you hadn't had that shit fit," Jay retorted.

"I was just suggesting the landlord should clean the bar stools more often. We were sticking to the chairs!"

"Hey...at least you persisted," said Kurt. "I never would have thought he had a baseball bat under the counter."

"What are you planning on doing over the summer?" Will asked Kurt and Mercedes to change the subject.

"Rachel still wants to do that out-of-season practice," said Mercedes. "I don't know about you guys, and I love Glee and everything, but I got better things to with my vacation time."

"I bet you do," said Jay, grinning and winking.

"Back off, perv!"

"We were thinking of only doing one as well," said Will. Rachel had been trying to arrange a full rehearsal schedule for the club but not many of the others had shown enthusiasm for it. Santana had told her flatly that she had zero interest in seeing her out of school even if her road trip was cut short. But the others were not so assertive and had muttered indecisive promises about attending. Rachel was going to speak to Mr Shue and try to book the choir room in the school, but would consider alternatives if that wasn't an option.

"Speaking of the club," said Kurt, suddenly, "you've both got the day off tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," said Jay. "That other div's filling in. Fucking useless, can't even fold a bed-sheet."

"The school photographer has those photos from our Blues Brothers performance. I've made copies and I'm trying to distribute them."

"Alright, sounds good. Head round tomorrow."


	7. Chapter 7: Summer in Lima

**Chapter 7! A big apology for anyone that's still kind enough to be following this series, I have been a pretty terrible updater. The story's drawing to a close now and I'll be pretty upset with myself if I drag it out any further.**

**With that in mind, enjoy!**

* * *

The flight itineraries had arrived from the university's events office in the morning, but Leonard had barely had a chance to examine it before work. Now he scanned it carefully, making sure he got his hands on it before Sheldon did.

No such luck. His roommate came bounding up to him, his eyes curious.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing a skinny finger.

"Oh, nothing."

"Leonard," said Sheldon reproachfully, "even a physicist with your limited capacity should know that 'nothing' is a physiological fallacy. Why, even trace molecules alone-"

"Alright, alright." He held the sheet up. "Just the flight details."

"Oh, good. Did they give me an aisle seat, no more than ten rows from the bathroom?"

Leonard checked the sheet. "Yes."

"Full and selectable range of feature films, complete with headphones?"

"Yes."

"Chicken meal, not beef?"

"Yes."

Sheldon paused, as if checking for imperfections. "Hope I don't get put next to a baby."

"You'll be next to us, Sheldon," said Leonard exhaustedly. He had considered telling his friend about Simon several times, but had decided against it. Even Sheldon's Vulcan mind could take such surprise news.

Within around half an hour, Raj and Howard had turned up for Vintage Goldeneye Night with Sheldon's old Nintendo. They had already packed.

"There's a whole cattle ranch of Midwestern girls who won't be able to resist a big city boy like me," said Howard as they picked their characters.

"Highly doubtful," said Sheldon. "My extensive research into our destination concludes that you're more likely to see a cattle ranch in Oakland than Iowa City." Howard rolled his eyes. "Furthermore, with what would you dazzle your conquests? Your Masters degree in a vocational practice or your seemingly indefinite residence with your mother?"

Howard sighed. Leonard glared at Sheldon. "You know, you're right , Howard," he said encouragingly. "You may not run into any farm girls, but you will be one of a team of visiting experts from a major college like Cal Tech."

"One of?" Sheldon eyes flashed. "Pardon me, Leonard, but I understood we were operating under the agreement that Howard was the token layman in our efforts."

"Token layman?" hissed Howard. "Would a token layman have been able to rewire your N64 controller to give you a severe electric shock once you lose this game?"

_"Leonard?"_

"He's kidding," Leonard said quickly, shooting Howard a look. His friend just grinned.

* * *

They saw the bright lights of Chicago even before the last road sign. The warmth hit them immediately and they all felt an inward excitement. They were approaching the south side and the suburbs, but that did not make the site any less impressive. Especially compared to the conformity of what they'd seen on Highway 30.

It could barely have come at a better time. The road music had gotten stale and conversation had dried up. That was expected. But the lights of the city brought everyone back into focus. They were lucky to have got here with such great time to spare. It was early evening and they had enough time to explore the place if they drove into what Santana called the 'true' Chicago, as personified by the part of the city that got passed into folklore. They would spend a little more on a place to stay in the city, allowing them enough time to take in the sights without worrying about motel closures.

"Do you think Al Capone will let us visit him?" asked Neil.

"What? Santana turned around, confused.

"He's like a well famous person from Chicago. Me and Brittany asked in that motel."

"You obviously missed the tail end of that one, mate," said Simon, laughing. "The guy's been dead for, like, sixty years! Plus, do you know who he was? You wouldn't want to go to his house. Haven't you ever read anything about him?"

"Wasn't he in that movie with Robert De Niro?"

"Robert De Niro played him, yeah," said Simon, encouragingly. "The Untouchables."

"Yeah," Brittany nodded. "And he's like a CIA guy whose daughter is marrying Ben Stiller."

"That's right, baby," said Santana, ignoring Simon's spluttered corrections. She shook her head at him; you couldn't teach Brittany about this. He nodded and turned his attention to the city again. It was quite beautiful. They hit downtown first, ensuring they caught the best of the daytime stores. Brittany got lost in Lincoln Square, but was found by Santana twenty minutes later, gazing at the fountains with what most would call rapt attention. They headed into the bright lights of the club scene when the sun went down properly. They were worried that their IDs would be far more rigorously checked in the big city instead of the smaller bars in Lima, but they were in luck. It seemed that there was an unspoken unspoken agreement between bartender and patron; _give me your money I don't care how old you are. _

The dance floor of Vision was crowded, but that didn't matter much to the four of them. Tomorrow, they would make the final drive to Iowa City. It would be a long journey, especially after all they were going to drink tonight, but Santana, Neil and Brittany planned to sleep in the car. The club had multiple levels, and they balconied onto each other. It was more inventive than Simon and Neil had ever seen. They took their drinks, knowing that the outward part of their journey was nearing its conclusion.

* * *

Will and Jay were stunned as the entire Glee club stood at the door, looking irritated and glaring in the direction of Rachel. Kurt and Mercedes were at the front, looking sheepish as they smiled.

"Hi...everyone?" said Will.

"Uh, hi," said Mercedes. "Sorry, Rachel collared us this morning for a place to practice."

"Hey," said Rachel, beaming. "I hope you don't mind us dropping in on you?"

"No," lied Will. Jay murmured his agreements. They filed inside awkwardly including, to Will's surprise, Mister Schuester. He looked surprisingly impassive over being corralled into attending this unofficial rehearsal. He supposed that, unlike Gilbert or his teachers back in Rudge Park, the coach really didn't know the meaning of nine to five.

Rachel was naturally more domineering of procedures without Santana giving her hell. They made Will and Jay's living room an impromptu stage, taking turns to perform the songs they would ultimately do for Sectionals next year and singing any song they wanted. Jay tried to perfect his Chipmunk but was greeted with mixed responses. The tone started as serious, but after a while, everyone had started slacking slightly.

"We're going to nail the competition next year year," said Will once they had sat down, loving to use what he called the 'parlance of our new home'.

"I think we can take it to Nationals," said Artie, with none of Rachel's fierce determination but a calm sureness.

"Nationals?" asked Jay. Where's that?"

"New York City" said Mister Shue proudly. "We'll be up against clubs from all over America."

"That's going to be the fucking shit!" replied Jay enthusiastically. Will had had to explain much long ago that when Jay prefixed 'shit' or 'bollocks' with "the", it meant it was very good rather than bad. As for the language, only Mister Shue and Rachel really wrinkled their noses; the others had come to accept Jay's colourful use of English by now.

"I hope next year is better than this one," said Quinn, sadly. Finn nodded but said nothing. Things were, to say the least, strange. Quinn had said goodbye to her baby. If anything, that was how she had written her year off.

After a second rehearsal session, the club stayed and chatted. Things were beginning to get warm, especially for the chilly Midwest. Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes were the first to leave, and the others slowly drifted afterwards. The last to leave was, bizarrely, Will Schuester himself. Will and Jay had taken the beers they had out of the fridge and, after he'd decided it was okay to drink with students out of school, he had accepted one. Will had drifted away from the conversation, going to have a shower before work tomorrow. Jay and his teacher were left alone.

"You know, you've come along a long way since you joined the exchange program," he said. "I call it a victory that you don't really swear and make sexual jokes in class. Any more."

"What do you mean, sir?" Jay replied. He understood now that in Jay's case, 'sir' was not so much a gesture of respect, more something that had been bred into him by the British school system. He hoped it was different in his case.

"I just mean...there's a person under the illusion, you know? And he's fighting to get out. Will McKenzie told me that a lot of the reason you act the way you do is because of your dad. And he's not here!"

"I think that's a compliment," said Jay quietly.

"You're damn right it is," said Will, unusually upfront. He got to his feet, smiled at Jay and grabbed his coat from the hanger. "Think about it, Jay. You can be anyone you want to be here. It's a new country. And you're going to make me and the rest of the club proud." He grinned. "Thanks for the beer. I guess I won't see you guys much before the new year, so have a great summer."

"Thanks, Mister Shue," said Jay, solemnly. With that, he was gone, but Jay had already started reflecting on his words. The coach stopped on his way out to say his goodbyes to Will, who was out of the shower. When Will had seen his older namesake off, he went back into the living room. He raised his eyes at the thoughtful (and inspired) smile on Jay's face.

"What are you grinning at?" he asked. "Have you been wanking again?"

"Fuck off, briefcase."

Will was taken aback for a moment, but it gave way to a burst of laughter. Jay joined in, and the two of them launched into hysterics in the lazy warmth of the late afternoon.

* * *

As they reached the cab stand, Leonard felt the overwhelming need to strangle Sheldon. He'd felt it before, but sometimes it almost got fulfilled.

"Okay then, Sheldon," Howard was saying, "why was that flight so terrible?"

"That's good, Howard," said Leonard. "Let's open the floodgates."

"Where do I begin?" drawled Sheldon. "The seats had insufficient legroom, the air stewardesses were unresponsive to my needs, and worst of all..." He shuddered at this point theatrically. "The only entry under sci-fi television entertainment was Babylon 5!"

"Babylon 5 is a good show," said Leonard defensively.

"In what sense, my man? In what sense?"

"Forget it," said Penny forcefully. "Can't we just get in the cab?"

"Yeah," agreed Raj, who had drank several beers on the flight and could now speak to Penny. "It's cold out here."

Leonard nodded. They had landed just after five in the afternoon and the temperature had cooled considerably. Iowa City was pretty rural when compared with Pasadena, and he could almost see the open fields near the city limits. They hopped into a cab straight to the suite the university had prepared for them. The city was a lot more peaceful than Pasadena; it wasn't as bad as LA, but you could still see any number of weirdos patrolling the streets at night. Here, they stayed home. Sheldon, a _closer _weirdo, was mercifully quiet during the cab ride. He had vented his frustration at the flight, but one look at the burly driver told him that it would not be wise to pass comment.

The suite was impressive considering the size of the campus. It was decorated in classic Midwestern style, with wooden paneling and a roaring fire. They had a bed each, although Raj and Howard were in the same room.

"Well, isn't that convenient?" Leonard smirked. "I'd say one of you drew the short straw there, but I'm pretty sure that hasn't happened yet."

"Very good wordplay," beamed Sheldon. "You've used the classic straw metaphor for selection for less-preferable arrangements and activities and turned it into a phallic inference! I'm impressed!"

"Doesn't work out so well if you explain it, sweetie," said Penny. Sheldon nodded.

"Well," he said, getting up, "I must void my bowels. I really didn't trust the hygiene standards of the airplane bathroom."

When he left, the others crowded around Leonard for information. "So, when's Sheldon's cousin getting here?" Penny asked in a hushed tone.

"He's still coming, as far as I know," Leonard replied, whispering. "I talked to him on the phone this morning. He said to expect a call early evening."

"Well, it's early evening now," said Howard, checking his watch. Almost as if by cosmic power, the phone rang at that exact moment.


	8. Chapter 8: Face to Face

**Chapter 8 **

**And here is the last but one chapter! I hope to finish this story very soon.**

"Pick up. Pick up. Fucking pick up!"

Simon's fingers shook slightly as they clasped around the motel phone. They had hit the city limits around an hour ago and had booked in. The city had been less inspiring than Chicago, but they expected that. Instead, it had a pleasant rural aesthetic, contrasted with the large buildings they started to observe as they approached.

"Pick up!"

The others reached out to slap him, but he brushed them away to show he was calm. After a few moments, the phone was answered.

* * *

"Hello?" Leonard answered, as Penny, Raj and Howard crowded round him. They had gone into Leonard's (locked) bedroom to make sure Sheldon didn't come out of the bathroom too early and hear them.

"Hey, Leonard! Alright, mate?" said Simon happily. The others breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey, Simon," Leonard responded enthusiastically. He gave a thumbs up to Penny and the others.

"So, have you lot settled in yet?" Simon asked.

"Yeah. We're at the guest suite the university. How about you guys?"

"Yep!" Simon beamed. "Should we head down now, or do you want to get unpacked?"

"No, we're all settled in," said Leonard, looking around the room for a silent consent. It was granted by casual nodding.

"Great, we'll be right over! Same address?"

"Yeah. Guess I'll...see you guys in a while!"

And from there, Simon prepared to finish his journey.

* * *

"They're coming now," said Leonard, causing the others to relax their pose slightly.

"What are his buddies like?" asked Penny.

"I don't know," Leonard said with a shrug. "I only talked to him. The others are his friend, his girlfriend and his friend's girlfriend. He seems like a nice guy."

"You can vouch for him, then?" said Howard. "Because if we get another Sheldon..."

"If I thought we were getting two Sheldons with us, I would have told him we were staying in Montana," said Leonard, causing the others to laugh.

"I still want you to promise me an alibi, just in case," said Howard. "Genetics can be weird like that."

"Quite correct," said Sheldon, opening the bedroom door dramatically. "Although it's quite far out of your...'field' so I'm guessing you heard that from me. You're welcome."

Penny was visibly shaken by his sudden entry. "Jeez, Sheldon, learn to knock."

"I am quite proficient in knocking, as you know. However, as I was part of a conversation that has only just changed rooms, my admittedly limited understanding of social situations indicates that I should have Carte Blanche to re-enter said conversation at the time of my choosing."

"Okay," said Penny, throwing her arms up in exasperation. There really was no appealing to Sheldon on a logical level.

"Why are you referring to my genetics?" Sheldon asked, puzzled.

"We were talking about what a female version of you would be like," said Leonard, thinking quickly. Under his breath, he continued, "but then I forgot about Amy Farrah Fowler." This made Howard and Raj laugh, although Raj did it silently as he hadn't had a beer yet.

"I heard you talking on the phone," said Sheldon, accusingly.

"We were ordering pizza," said Penny.

"Was the consumption of said pizza going to be preceded by group coitus?"

"God, no!" Penny replied, looking disgusted.

"Then why did you do it in Leonard's bedroom?"

"Don't worry about that," said Howard, hoping that just once, Sheldon would drop it. He did.

It was around half an hour later when the knock on the door finally came. Simon had raced through the streets for this moment. The knock had a sense of finality to it. Leonard mused that Simon had come so far to see his cousin, he would be making his final knock count.

"That'll be the pizza," said Leonard, darting in front of Sheldon to the door. He wasn't sure what to expect at all. Perhaps a more wiry Sheldon with blonde hair? His direct opposite, an obese man-child? Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't the Simon Cooper who stood at the door, with hair from style's worst nightmare (and that was coming from Leonard Hofstadter) and an open, earnest smile that was so removed from his cousin's unemotional visage, Leonard wondered if there had been a mistake.

Simon grinned. Neil, Brittany and Santana had agreed to stay back momentarily to avoid confusion, so the two of them just stood there for a moment. "Leonard?" Simon said, matching the short, bespectacled man to his imagined form when the two spoke on the phone. "Leonard Hofstadter?" He extended a hand and Leonard shook it, returning the smile.

"Simon!" beamed Leonard. "Come in!"

"Thanks!" Simon replied. The others began to drift closer to the door but held back.

"I appreciate your affability," said Sheldon, appearing out of nowhere. His bug eyes were awash with suspicion and curiosity. "But you've forgotten the pizza!"

"Forgotten the...what?" said Simon, confused.

"Simon," said Leonard, gesturing, "this is Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon...this is Simon Cooper. Your cousin."

For a brief, horrible moment, Sheldon was silent. He stood as a statue, frozen in place, his usually Brobdingnagian (to use his own words) brain stuck in place. Simon and Leonard both thought he had blown a fuse; only Leonard appreciated the rarity of that. After several seconds, he did, in fact, speak. It was in a quiet, emotionless tone.

"My apologies, Leonard...once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga."

"Sheldon, this isn't a prank..."

"It must be," Sheldon shot back with desperation. "I don't remember planning it but I can't conceive any other explanation! Perhaps a more anarchistic area of my consciousness has branched out on its own? Am I merely a Jekyll to a brutally devious Hyde? Is the caring and sweet-natured Doctor Cooper a front?"

"Caring and sweet-natured?" Leonard echoed in disbelief, trying not to look at Simon's bewildered face. "And no, the Sheldon version of Tyler Durden didn't do this. Simon really is your cousin."

"Tell me, good sir," said Sheldon to Simon. "Are our names both Cooper due to a shared family name or a mind-bending coincidence?"

"The...the first one?" Simon offered weakly.

"Then I reject your hypothesis as moot."

"What's so hard to understand, dude?" said Santana, appearing in the doorway. The others appeared after. "He's your cousin!"

"Guys, this is Neil, Brittany, and my sweetheart Santana," said Simon. "This is Sheldon and Leonard."

Sheldon was impervious to the introductions. He kept his eyes focused on Leonard. "You see," he drawled, "that would imply, of course, that your parents are directly related to my late father, George Cooper. Which is impossible, as it would imply he was a trans-Atlantic bigamist."

"It's not your grandad I'm related to," Said Simon. "Before your nan married again, she spent some time in England and she met my grandad! You were christened before the marriage was over." Thinking about this, he realised how strange it was that Sheldon's dad had never bothered to query why his surname was so different. If all of this had been concocted by a fanfiction writer, he reasoned, said author might not have realised the gaping plot hole there until it was too late to backtrack.

"Once again, then, I must reject your findings," said Sheldon, bringing him back into focus.

_"Why?"_

"Because Mee-Maw always said divorce was for people who couldn't stick it out!"

_"Mee-Maw?"_ Simon started, confused.

"His grandmother," said Leonard.

"What's more likely?" snapped Santana. "Simon came halfway across America, taking pretty much all of his vacation time and dragging us with him, just to trick you into thinking he's your cousin? Or that your 'Mu-Mer' was-"

"Mee-Maw," Sheldon corrected.

"-Or that your _Mee-Maw_ was just like the rest of us and could be kind of a hypocrite sometimes?"

"She's right, sweetie," said Penny, poking her head out from the bedroom. She smiled at the others. "Hey! I'm Penny."

"Hi," said Simon. He introduced himself and the other three. Penny went back in the bedroom to wait with Raj and Howard until the arguing had resolved.

"Look, Sheldon," said Leonard. "If you don't believe Simon, why don't you call your grandmother and ask her? Or your mother?"

Sheldon sounded a muffled protest, but merely nodded. He took off into his bedroom. When he had closed the door, Leonard turned to Simon apologetically. "Sorry about him," he said. "He believes there are an infinite amount of parallel universes based on our actions, but he won't believe his grandmother ever did anything wrong."

"He's kind of mental," Simon replied, "but not in a bad way."

"I'm guessing 'mental' is British slang for batcrap-crazy nutjob," said Howard, making his way out of the bedroom. He grinned and shook Simon's hand. "Hi, Howard Wolowitz. Don't let Sheldon freak you out. You get used to him after...well, I'll tell you when we do."

Simon laughed. "He wasn't what I was expecting, but he seems okay." He gestured to the others. "This is Santana, Brittany and Neil."

"_Enchentee_," said Howard, to Santana as he kissed her hand, with his usual attempted sophistication. She recoiled.

"Are you Italian?" Neil asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

"Hide him from Sheldon," Howard said to Simon, pleadingly. He looked towards the bedroom door and pointed. "And, hey, you've met Penny, but this is Raj."

Raj stepped out of the room sheepishly, giving a frightened wave and remaining silent. "Is he new to English?" asked Simon, waving back to Raj.

"I think his buzz has worn off," said Penny to Leonard. "You should have brought some beers for the refrigerator!"

"This isn't a bachelor party trip," he retorted. Turning to Simon, he said, "Raj can't talk when there are girls in the room. It's a shyness thing. Did you guys bring any beer? He just needs a sip."

"Uh, sure," said Simon. "We brought a few to toast with you and Sheldon." He reached into his bag and retrieved a Pabst. Raj took it with an appreciative nod and smile.

"Thanks," he said, finishing almost a quarter of the bottle. "Although the thing about speaking English? Happens a lot! It's kinda racist. Just one time, I'd like people to ask, 'is he a deaf mute?' or 'is he so arrogant and aloof he doesn't even feel the need to talk to us?"

"Sorry," said Simon.

"That's okay," he replied, grinning. "At least British people know India. When I first met Howard's mother, she asked if I worshipped the Great Spirit. I said, if Great Spirit means Vishnu, then yes!"

"What's a Vishnu?" asked Brittany, looking blank while everyone else laughed.

"Hide her from Sheldon," said Raj, before Howard could repeat himself. Penny nodded.

"I think that ship has sailed," said Leonard, pointing to Sheldon's bedroom door. His friend was now in the main room. His face was red with embarrassment.

"My mother yelled at me," he said, with all of the humiliated pose of a scolded dog.

"Did she say Simon was your cousin?" asked Leonard.

"Yes," he replied reluctantly. Turning to Simon, he said, "my mother says hello. She'd love to speak to you but she has to go to church now."

"I can't wait to speak to her," said Simon brightly.

"She's a great lady," said Leonard. "Sheldon doesn't know how lucky he is."

"Excuse me?" Sheldon shot back. "My mother, despite possessing a certain warm, bubbly charm, was in no way nurturing to me during my early stages of development. Your mother, Leonard, is a dedicated, brilliant mind who could have turned you into a great scientist had you not been stuck in a Freudian state of petty rebellion."

"Too many words," complained Brittany, looking confused.

"Fair enough. Leonard, your rebuke is now concluded." But he looked at Brittany as if her brain was in danger of slipping out.

After a brief moment, they sat down. The suite had a leather sofa and corner group area that seemed strangely familiar to Leonard. The minute Santana sat on the left corner of the sofa, Sheldon leapt into action.

"What?" she demanded as he towered over her with menace.

"You're in my spot," he said, as if she had slapped him.

"What are you talking about?" she demanded, already deciding she did not like Simon's cousin.

"I'm tired, said Sheldon, "Leonard, would you care to field this one?"

"Oh boy," said Leonard sarcastically. "In the winter, the seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by opening windows there and there." he pointed to two windows around them. "It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion."

"You memorised all that?" asked Santana, shocked.

"He tests us," said Leonard. "Pretty routinely, actually."

"Anyway," said Santana, digging her heels in and facing down Sheldon, "you're talking a yearly benefit. Simon said you guys are here for a week!"

Sheldon became animated. "By a force that a layman without a working knowledge of mathematics would call coincidence, this seating plan loosely resembles that of our Pasadena apartment. If I give up my place here, some of the bottom feeders..." here, he stared at Howard, who glowered at him, "might have their own designs on my humble spot."

"At this point, I should point out, once again, that he is bat-crap crazy," said Howard.

"So," said Simon, changing the subject. "Are you guys on the team that's presenting the string theory thingy to the university?"

"Yeah," said Raj, ignoring Sheldon's spluttered disgust at the word 'thingy'.

"Penny is here to visit family," said Sheldon. "Her father's taking her over to Nebraska tomorrow. She works in the Cheesecake Factory. And Howard's an engineer. I'd say the two have an equal footing as far as _the team_ is concerned."

"An engineer?" Neil asked Howard, ignoring the hateful stare he gave Sheldon. "Do you work with cars and that?"

"He may as well," continued Sheldon.

"Ever hear of the Mars Rover, Sheldon?" Howard demanded.

"Of course. I was there when you crashed it."

"Tell everyone!" Howard screamed. "You've already had my security clearance removed, why not out me to the baying public?"

"The baying public will empathise with a virtually celibate man using the Rover to impress a rare date. I, however, will not."

"Should we...go?" Simon asked Leonard quietly. He and the others observed the argument.

"No, it's okay," he replied resignedly. Sheldon and Howard became silent. After the initial awkwardness (primarily on Sheldon's side) had passed, the two groups got to know each other. Simon asked polite questions about the others, hoping that Sheldon was gradually warming up to him.

"So, Leonard tells me you were in college back in the UK," asked Sheldon, smiling in a way that seemed benign to him but creepy and Stepford-wife to everyone else.

"Well, it was Sixth Form college," Simon replied.

"Still sounds pretty impressive," said Leonard, eager to direct the conversation in positive directions and avoid completely freaking out his friend's new family member.

"It isn't," said Sheldon, clearly disappointed. "It's the British equivalent to the last two years of high school. Their voluntary leaving age is sixteen. Clearly the British education system is somewhat flawed."

"You could be right," said Raj, staring at Neil. Overwhelmed by the long words the conversation had used already, he was staring blankly into space. A thin line of dribble ran down his chin.

"Well, I suppose I shouldn't expect you to be my intellectual equal. Genetics are not that kind. Whatever career you are working towards, I'm sure it is aptly fitting."

"I work at a bed-ware store," Simon admitted, quietly.

"That's okay. Managerial work may be anti-intellectual in nature but at least you get to control your own minions. I, regretfully, cannot bend mine to my will."

"I'm not a manager," said Simon, now irked. "I just work on the shop floor. I'm going to college when I finish school, though. Hopefully the same one as Santana."

"I see. Well, Simon from London and now Lima, I have good news for you. I am your cousin but I do not object to the slapdash way you have organised your future."

"Uh, thanks?" said Simon.

"_Bazinga!_ Now, sir, you are a Cooper, and you will follow a path of enlightenment and learning. By the time I am finished..." Drowning out his voice, Penny grabbed Brittany and Santana by the arms. "This is going to be really boring," she said. "Let's hang out."

Taking inspiration, Howard tapped Neil on the shoulder. "Hey, Neil? You know how to play a game called _Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?_"

"Do you race cars?" Neil asked.

"No. come on, me and Raj will show you how to play. Coming, Leonard?"

"Hell yeah," said Leonard, leaving the two cousins alone for the first time.


	9. Chapter 9: At the End of the Road

**Chapter ****9 and this is it. I've had a fantastic time writing these and I hope everyone that reads enjoyed. Thank you very much for the fantastic reviews I've got, I never thought it would get as many reviews as it did.**

Simon, Santana, Neil and Brittany left the suite at around eleven at night. It had been one hell of an experience; Leonard had arranged to get the four of them guest passes for the opening lecture tour. He knew that they would be lost on Neil and Brittany, but he knew they would appreciate the gesture. As for Penny, she was leaving in the morning for Nebraska in the morning, but she had pledged to add Santana and Brittany onto Facebook. She spent so long around Leonard and his friends, she had started to forget what girls (at least, not impossibly intelligent girls) were like to hang around with.

Sheldon had given Simon a lot to think about. He had demanded that Simon at least consider studying physics in college, and he had promised him constant assistance and notes if he chose the path. With a chuckle that seemed mechanical yet at the same time completely genuine, he had described it as 'tech support for experimental science'. And while his cousin was a remarkably strange man, it didn't take long to realise that beyond the neurosis and the slight megalomania, there was a good guy. The two had even made rough plans to visit Sheldon's mother in Texas if they could get time off from their respective jobs.

Getting in the car to make the long, sleepy journey home, he suddenly felt uplifted. Coming to America had been the best thing he had ever done; he had been rotting in Rudge Park, a dreamer who never acted to make himself happy and pined after a girl that Will could tell wasn't interested almost as soon as he met her. Now, he had Santana, another family who it would be a joy to get to know, a bright future ahead, and even better? He had his best friends (_even Jay, _he thought, _the little wanker_) with him to enjoy it. And he had taken a chance, on the road trip, and enjoyed every minute of it.

None of them spoke a word as they drove back to the motel. For one, they were tired, but they also knew that Simon had a lot on his mind. Santana especially thought that he was depressing himself with the thoughts in his head, but the truth was, he had never been happier. The only thing he wasn't looking forward to was the long drive back to Lima in a few days, but that wasn't a big obstacle.

The minute they got back to the room, Simon checked his email on the motel's free WiFi. Sheldon had some basic notes from another project and they supported an introduction to physics, and he had promised to email them for some background reading. Sure enough, his cousin had already emailed him by the time he got to check it. Reading the front page, he saw:

_It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you've finished your shopping at the local market,__ or agora, and you look up at the night sky._

* * *

**Epilogue**

It wasn't long before the decadent heat of the summer receded and the leaves began to turn brown. Autumn in Ohio wasn't as glamorous as that in New England or the Northwest, but there was a romantic air that blew through the Midwest. Gradually, the holidays went from months to weeks to days, ready for that time where New Directions would start their new year.

Simon and Sheldon got to know each other well over the coming months. While their counterparts across the vast expanses of space, between the invisible walls of the multiverse Sheldon was so fascinated by, would have gone years without knowing about each other, in this world they were making up for lost time.

Will received a full academic scholarship to Brown after his senior year, going on to become a successful journalist in New York. Jay, having shaken (most of) his vile reputation in his last year, worked himself through school at Cincinnati and became a gynecologist. It was perfect for him-he got to earn money, make a difference and get an eyeful at the same time. Of course, he had a steady girlfriend, so all the ogling was done subtly, but Jay was Jay. Neil, the antithesis of 'college material' settled down. Despite failing the internal exam twice, he was promoted to assistant manager at Sheets N' Things when Terri was promoted.

Simon and Santana were both accepted at USC after senior year, Simon studying physics under his cousin's tutelage. Santana, who had not lost contact with Brittany despite moving to California, had a personal crisis and decided to come out as gay, leaving Simon sad but understanding. He focused on his studies and achieved a respectable degree, submitting a graduate paper that Sheldon said was almost as brilliant as his own work. Growing homesick, not for London but for Lima, he moved back home and with a great recommendation from Will Schuester, became a science teacher. Sheldon was disappointed that he hadn't joined him in experimental physics, but understood eventually. Kurt, who was working on his singing career in Cleveland but frequently stopped over in Lima, reintroduced him to Mercedes, his former Glee club team mate, and the two were engaged within the year.

As the years went on, neither Neil, Jay, Will or Simon ever regretted moving to America. Nostalgia for England was rare, but every so often, when Will flew in from New York and the four met to catch up, they found themselves reminiscing about that one day back at school when Simon came to bring them that piece of news that changed everything.

**The end.**


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